Trust and me.

Trust has been a hard thing for me to come by in my life thanks to being painfully forgetful and distracted. Every now and then, I’ll realize that I am unable to complete a task requested of me because in my past, I was not trusted to complete it and someone else did it for me; quite a disabling sensation and ironic for a prospective teacher to have experienced.

Having said this, it’s been quite refreshing to have received so much trust in the interpretive guiding job I just left. Working there was a totally rewarding experience. My performance on that job vastly improved over the first week because I knew I was trusted. I developed so much more self worth. Also, I (FINALLY) learned to brush off my mistakes as one time occurrences and just move on and up.

Looking at it backwards:

I’m realizing how difficult it is for me to trust people, but I can’t find a single reason why I should award anyone with any more trust than I give them. This more than disappoints me. Maddening story time:

About a year ago, I graduated from teacher’s college and attempted to become a member of my province’s regulatory body/ college for teachers so that I would be able to teach in that province’s publicly funded schools (the schools with steady, year-round pay and more stable job security). I was well aware that this was before a deadline that was quickly approaching because of a change in policies (the required degree was now going to last 2 years instead of the one year I had spent). Since this new regulation was being put in place, if I did not submit all of the required documents on time, I would be required to complete supplementary work. I was not aware that I had more documents to submit and was not given an email to warn me of the absent documents from my file until three days before the deadline. I was not at a computer the day the email was sent or any day for the next couple of days because I was facilitating a canoe trip for teenagers.
Of course, when I finally found the email, I called the regulatory body’s office immediately to sort out this obvious misunderstanding. However, I was responded to in quite an impolite manner.  The person speaking with me told me that I was simply too late and that I would need to complete 4 extra courses (each which cost about $650 and last about 2 or 3 months a piece) in addition to 40 extra teaching days within a five year time line in order to keep my standing with this body. I  was also told that I could not speak with a manager. I then hung up and called again so that I might be able to speak with someone else. However, when a new person picked up the phone, they delivered the same hostility to me as I had previously received and told me they knew that I had spoken with the other operator and that I would not be receiving a different answer simply because I had called a new responder. When I asked them how I could fix my problem, they told me the only way was for me to take it to court. I asked to speak to a manager again and they told me that they are “not a McDonald’s” and that there was no manager I could speak to.
Fast forward a month:
I had successfully submitted all of the requested documents to the regulatory body and  contacted them to confirm this. They then told me that a board would consider my “case” and a decision would be made by January.
In December, I received a call to tell me that I was a member in good standing with this body and that I would not need to take extra courses or complete more teaching days to maintain this standing. So I rejoiced and picked up and left for Australia for six months.
This September (almost a year later), having interest in taking a french immersion teaching course which required me to be in good standing with the college, I checked my standing and realized that it was conditional. According to their website, I still needed to complete 40 days of classroom teaching and 4 courses.
So I called the college again, certain that this was just a mistake. However, I was put through the same kind of phone call I had received the previous September, but this new operator told me I would need to speak to a manager to sort things out. How FUNNY. She read over several paragraphs without giving me room to speak or ask questions and at one point, I just hung up.
Something that may surprise many people is that I decided to call the college once again the next week (today) to try to speak with someone new. I was told in a much more humane manner that it would be impossible for me to be exempted from the courses and 40 classroom teaching days and that the courses would actually benefit me.

So after a story like this, one can see why I retract my trust from people so quickly. I don’t know why life throws us these hurdles; I used to think I wanted to be a teacher and now I feel like I’m just not good enough: the same message which was delivered to me throughout my entire 4-year undergraduate degree (before I even went to teacher’s college). Considering everything I’ve already been through and what is (potentially) yet to come in my journey of teacher-hood, I feel quite deflated and distressed and honestly, am ready to throw in the towel. However, though I have so many other ambitions, I know I am passionate about teaching young people-and that I am so good at it.

Trusting myself

These experiences, though difficult, have taught me some lessons. First, you cannot blame yourself for the inevitable in life. If people are going to deceive you and lie to your face, you cannot then turn to yourself and say “I should have…”. That is a dead end road leading to past heartache and chagrin, if you will excuse my flowery delivery. Instead, one must fight for their right (don’t ever doubt the Beastie Boys). When that doesn’t work, decide how to move forward with the least amount of resentment and with that beautiful smile still plastered across your weathered but kind face as you laugh at the deceit and immaturity that was imposed upon you and bite into an apple with enthusiastic sarcasm.

Also, in the right settings, one can learn to trust oneself enough to realize that one is far,far more than the dirt under someone else’s shoe and that one, with good intentions, has high value and the capabilities to succeed. Even if that means (tear) $2500 gone from your pocket and more than a year extracted from your plans- for no good reason. I’ll get there. Somehow.

Lastly, I don’t let “the man” control what I do anymore. FREEDOM OF CHOICE AND RESPECT FOR MY DESIRES IS MY PEACE.  Traveling alone has taught me to respect and follow my instincts as they are messages telling me,99% of the time, what is best for me.

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